Breasts (CTL 2)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 2

I just realized that I’m too lazy to do a blog. Last week, Nancy dragged me to “Breast Feeding part II” class. I missed part one, but it turns out that those things are used for something other than selling cars. Evidently they feed the child.

In the second class, I got to learn all about the different types of breast pumps. They were all demonstrated on what could be described as an oversized novelty pillow shaped like a breast.

Here is something I don’t understand. Men spend about 90% of our lives trying to look at breasts. The minute a baby comes near them, it’s like your head and that breast are magnetically repulsed. I bet if someone took an infant into Harpers, and put it on stage with the topless dancer, the whole place would be empty in less than a minute. The few men in the class were visibly uncomfortable. I could see them mentally tallying up the fine for pulling the fire alarm and making a run for it.

Nancy and I were fortunate to inherit a duel chamber breast pump from her sister. This is a device about the size of a briefcase, with a small pulsing diaphragm on the side. If you didn’t know better, you would assume it was some sort or respiratory assistance device. As the technician of the house, it was my job to figure out how to get it to work.

After much trial and error, I figured out most of the pieces, and after a few beers, I decided it needed a test run. (I apologize for the mental image this conjures up.) I thought Nancy would need oxygen before she would stop laughing. The best description I’ve heard of an electric breast pump in action is “It’s like if robots made porn movies”

In other baby news, my work is throwing a shower for us at the end of the month. Baby showers are like wedding showers, except there is not the slightest chance that any of the presents will be for you. Now don’t get me wrong, I have been blown away by the generosity of our friends and family, but somewhere in the back of my mind I always think…..”Well maybe instead of a ducky blanket, it will be Splinter Cell Chaos Theory or Grand Theft Auto San Andreas.”

I like to go into the nursery sometimes and look at all the books we’ve been given. There are quite a few I remember from my own childhood. One book that is very special to me is “There is a Monster at the End of This Book”. It was given to me by my friend and former teacher who I’ve always called “Miss O”.

I won’t tell you the whole story, but at the end, the monster turns out to be “Grover” from Sesame street. The pictures in the book connect me to my own childhood, and I look forward to the day when I hear my own son laugh at each turn of the page.

Big Matt