Check Out the Tail on That Moonfish (HOL 73)

House of Laughter 73

This morning’s comic strip “Pearls Before Swine” had this to say about blogging. “You know, I like Blogs, I really do….You know why? Because they provide their frustrated creator with the delusional outlet of being a published author. Sort of like how the prison warden lets the psychotic inmate scribble ‘Poetry’ on the cell wall so he doesn’t beat his bunkmate with a toilet seat.” Couldn’t have said it better myself, although the same sentiment was expressed almost verbatim in last week’s Family Circus.

Monday morning I woke up to Isaac asking, “Daddy, do you need a donkey in bed with you?” (I knew I shouldn’t have let him watch Clerks 2 this weekend.) He dropped a stuffed donkey into bed, and I drifted back to sleep. Two minutes later, “Daddy, do you need a camel in bed with you?”. Flash forward 15 minutes and the entire Nativity scene is in bed with me. It was like having a snooze button on a Sunday School class.

When I get home from work in the afternoon, I will sometimes stretch out in bed. Isaac will tell me to lay down on my stomach and he will climb on my back. He then bounces up and down. It turns out, I am the turtle, Crush, from Finding Nemo, and he is the baby turtle Squirt riding the East Australia Current. I know he learned that from TV, but damn it’s pretty cute.

Speaking of Nemo, we just came back from “Disney/ Pixar’s Nemo on Ice”. Crap-tacular. They played sound clips from the “Finding Nemo” while people in costumes skated in circles waving at the kids for two hours. There are occasional special effects like a thick green cloud of smoke that they evidently make out of paper mill waste and ground up dead skunks. At the beginning of the show there was even an explicit announcement that the smoke was most certainly “Not Toxic”.

From the minute we walked in the coliseum doors, we passed dozens of stands selling remarkably expensive Nemo bric-a-brac. I assured Isaac that I would buy him some of the stuff next year at a garage sale.

I realized the most unsettling part of the show though right after it started. My mind was drifting early on in the show, thinking about work, and the dozen different things I’m already doing this weekend, when one of the skaters whizzed by and the little monkey part of my brain clicked on and thought…..”cute well toned athletic butt in spandex”. Immediately the higher brain part of the brain knew something was amiss, and did a quick check, and issued an emergency broadcast “Attention all parts of the brain! Preliminary reports suggest, that is a dude.”

I had to stare at the floor for most of the rest of the night.

Would I go see Nemo on Ice again? Yes, because every penny we spent on tickets and awkward moments of gender confusion while staring at a toned skater in a lobster costume was worth it for Isaac’s smiles, laughing, wonder, applause, and unbridled enthusiasm about the whole damned thing.
Strength and Honor,

Matt

Don't Cry Over Scrambled Eggs (HOL 72)

House of Laughter 72

Last Monday we took Isaac to the Four Season’s Mall to see Santa. If you are familiar with Chris Rock, The Four Season’s is Greensboro’s second type of mall. There were two shootings in the parking lot last year. I wanted to get in, do the Santa thing, and then stay the hell away from any large shopping center until mid January.

There was no line at Santa’s chair, and Isaac wasn’t particularly scared. He had been briefed all afternoon as to who Santa was. Several signs and the photographer kindly reminded me “Only Two Personal Photographs Please.” We took a few pictures and headed toward the exit. That is when they tried to sell us the thirteen dollar five by seven photograph.

Nancy hates dealing with the high pressure sales tactics, especially if it is something ludicrously over priced and sentimental. However she prefers dealing with sales people to the embarrassment of me dealing with them. Rarely will a polite, “No Thanks, we aren’t interested” suffice.

Thanksgiving was very low key around here. We slept in then watched some of the parade. We visited a friend who was in Women’s Hospital with Placenta Previa. She will be on bed rest until she delivers her son in late December. It was weird walking around Women’s hospital realizing that it was just over two years ago that we were there… waiting. Our friend is right down the hall from Nancy and Isaac’s old room. I thought about how many lives had changed so radically in the span of a few hours in each of those rooms.

I walked down the same hall that I carried Isaac down when he was only a few minutes old, and I was shocked that I remembered vividly exactly how I felt that moment. My mind had trouble connecting that the fragile newborn with the shock of black hair was now this husky blond toddler running down the hall.

After the hospital visit, we went for a walk in the woods at Price Park. (The trail was only a mile long, but takes 45 minutes with Isaac walking.) Isaac has been reading the book “Going on a Bear Hunt”. For 45 minutes solid, he kept asking “Are we going on a bear hunt?....We’re not scared!”

The rest of the weekend has been a relaxing time of long walks, good food, movies, Christmas decorating and music.

I don’t want you to think that Isaac is a perfect child. He has begun to assert himself much more which is a normal part of toddlerhood, but can be frustrating. For example, when he comes downstairs at breakfast time, he won’t eat something unless it is his idea to eat it. I could sit him in front of a plate of eggs with a fork in his hand, and he will scream “I don’t want eggs!”. He will cry for ten minutes with the occasional tearful sob of “I don’t want eggs!” long after I have put the eggs back in the refrigerator. After 15 minutes, a tiny switch in his brain flips and he stops crying and politely asks, “Can I have some eggs please Daddy?”. He then happily gets into his seat and eats every last bite of the same plate of eggs that sent him into a fifteen minute crying jag.

He has also developed an artistic side. Whenever we take his picture, he now wants to take a picture as well. Some of his artwork is on display at the top of this page.

Strength and Honor,

Big Matt

No Readmittance Without Handstamp (HOL 71)

House of Laughter 71

It is not uncommon for my day to start around 6:45. The first thing I see is a two year old child staring me in the face, waiting for my eyes to open so he can ask the most important question one can be asked before 7:00 in the morning.

“ You want two stamps Daddy?”

In one of Halloween goody bags, he received a small inkpad and stamp of a skeleton. When I first wake up or get home from work, I usually get a small smeared image of skeleton on the back of either hand. He then carefully recaps the stamp, and the puts it into a small metal lunchbox that Nancy bought him. Although people tell me all the time that he looks like me, this behavior is clearly inherited from his mother.

Now every day at work, it looks like I’ve been out at a club the night before because of the two stamps.

Last time I was in Florida, I bought a DVD of four episodes of “Pee Wee’s Playhouse”. Isaac and I love it. Every episode has music, dancing, cartoons, puppets and characters addressing the audience directly. Another huge plus is that they aren’t selling anything to Isaac. “Pee Wee” has now passed “Dragon Donkey” on Isaac’s top movie picks.

Nancy can’t stand it. I guess it is like the “Three Stooges” you either get it or you don’t.

Just to be clear, Nancy doesn’t hate it because of Reuben’s run in with the law. To be clear, there is none of “that” on the show. If we abandon art, music, or theater because of objectionable behavior by the artist, there isn’t going to be much art left. (We will leave the debate as to whether or not a man in bad make up and tight suit having an argument with a life size cow puppet is “art” for another time.)

We went to Florida at the beginning of November so Nancy and her sister could run in the “Gator Gallop”, an annual footrace that precedes the homecoming parade. (It wasn’t a marathon, but I am still proud of them for doing it. Athletic competitions aren’t particularly frequent in our family). The trip was a lot of fun. We saw Lynard Skynard, and got to yell a request for “Freebird” without looking like total dorks. We had great seats for the concert and for the next day’s football game against Vanderbilt thanks to my brother in law John…so Thanks John!

The highlight of the trip was a chance encounter with Gator quarterback Tim Tebow. I waved to him briefly, and he waved back. I’m pretty sure it was that wave that inspired him to win the game the next day.

One last brief note, we still haven’t sold our house. If you know someone who is looking, please let me know.
Since we had two recent trips to Florida, we are staying home for Thanksgiving. If you are in Greensboro give us a call. We can all get together and play Monopoly or Scrabble. If you do come over, please get your hand stamped at the door.

Strength and Honor,
Big Matt