He's not Retarded, He's Gifted (CTL 22)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 22

This is probably our last weekend as Dinks, and so we made the most of it. I hit the beer festival, Nancy went out with some friends for dinner, and we went and saw “Mad Hot Ballroom” together.

I’ve been trying to convince Nancy to consider delivering the baby at a retail store like Target or Costco. The resulting publicity would be great for the store, and we would probably get free stuff for life. For some reason she would prefer to deliver at Women’s Hospital.

A friend e-mailed us a poem Saturday, and I’d like to share it with you.

Fear not, the time is coming

Fear not, your bones are strong

Fear not, help is nearby

Fear not, Gula (God) is near

Fear not, the baby is at the door

Fear not, he will live to bring you honor

Fear not, the hands of the midwife (doctor) are clever

Fear not, the earth is beneath you

Fear not, we have water and salt

Fear not, little mother

Fear not, mother of us all!

I am hoping against all genetic likelihood, that Isaac has at least a modicum of athletic ability. Nancy’s sports history involves a brief stint on a bowling team and a cheerleading squad in middle school. My lack of athletic skills as a child is legendary and the most embarrassing stories are as much a part of my family’s Christmas traditions as the turkey and tree.

Learning to ride a bike was an exercise in humiliation and pain. One of the neighbors actually came out and yelled at my folks, because he thought my folks were abusing me. Nope, just making them proud with my keen sense of balance.

My family’s all time favorite story though is from when I played for the Baskin Robbins soccer team. The ball would occasionally roll near me, completely unafraid of being hurt in anyway by the boy squatting on the field playing with ants. The punch line to the story is that the coach pulled my parents aside in asked them in all seriousness if I was retarded. The reply, “Nope. He’s in the gifted program”.

My brother in law Ryan loves that story.

I hope that Isaac has the ability to catch a damn ball.

One last thing, we got another e-mail from a friend who told us she is pregnant now as well. I’m not saying who, I’ll just let the rumors run wild. Have fun!

Big Matt

Why The Hell do You Want a Kid? (CTL 21)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 21

Since we are getting near the end of the story, I’ll tell you how it began. Nancy and I had gone back and forth for a long time about whether or not to have kids. We both had an inkling that we wanted kids, but also wanted to do a lot of things together first.

When we each hit 29, we started asking folks, “Why did you have kids?” The most common response was a variation on, “It just seemed like the thing to do.” Well that didn’t convince either of us. Another common answer was “To have someone to take care of you when you are older.” Well, this one didn’t work too well either seeing as how we both live nine hours away from our parents.

“Don’t you want to know what your kids will look like?” This one is just sort of creepy. Are we running some sort of genetic experimentation lab here? This is what they invented Photoshop for. “Well my (Wife/Husband/life partner) wanted one” Yeah well I wanted an X-Box, but Nancy wasn’t giving me on of those (God bless you Linda DuFran).

One afternoon working at Habitat for Humanity, Ann Marie Rogers told me, “We just couldn’t imagine an empty table at Thanksgiving”. I tried to dismiss that one, but couldn’t. A week or two later Michael Usey told me, “This is one time when God lets you be co-creator”. That one floored me. I know people reading are from different faith backgrounds, but the idea of helping create another soul really shook me up.

Ultimately, we decided that raising a child is as much a part of life as being born, falling in love, dying, friendship, laughing, crying, and making waffles. To really experience everything in life, we had to be parents. We would get to see everything for the first time, a second time (or third or fourth….that’s another story.)

One night in early December (the seventh Nancy reminds me), we were going to bed. Nancy had felt a little crummy that night (she had some sore titties), and was a little restless. She was really concerned that something was wrong, and wanted to go to the doctor. I was already in bed with my contacts out. I asked her, “Why don’t you take a pregnancy test?” She had taken three tests in the last month or so, all negative, and just figured her hormones were still out of whack after going off the pill. She didn’t expect the test to be positive. She took it. I was dozing off, when I heard from the bathroom, “Oh my God….Matt…..Oh My God….Come here….Matt….It’s positive.” We looked at the little blue line on the plastic stick like monkeys trying to figure out a cell phone. I asked, “Can you take another one to be sure?”.

Well the one we had taken was the last one, so the decision was made to go to Wal-Mart at about 11:30 at night. We looked like the sort of people you would expect to see in Wal-Mart at 11:30 at night. I wore my old scratched up glasses, and an old T-shirt, Nancy wore her jammies and was chugging down a bottle water. We bought three different pregnancy tests that night (Let me tell you something, those little bastards are expensive, but when it comes to something like this, “Sam’s Choice” is not the brand you want to go with.)

Well, she scored a hat trick on all three tests, and by 1:30, we settled in for a long, excited sleepless night.

And that kids is the story of the “First Halloween”, I mean Isaac’s pregnancy.

Big Matt

Dude I'm Totally Talking Like a Dad (CTL 20)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 20

Nancy was feeling a bit down today. It was a cross between the dreary weather, constant lower belly ache, and lack of sleep. On the plus side, Nancy discovered that our local news channels actually do a live broadcast at two in the morning.

She is out with her girlfriends right now, and I’ve been practicing the guitar for Max. He’s been a great audience. We were sitting out on the porch, and a young couple walked by pushing a stroller. I introduced myself and struck up a conversation with them. It turns out that they live on the other side of the neighborhood. Their baby is eleven weeks old. We had a short conversation about the five star daycare rating system and it occurred to me. “I’m a man who talks about daycare centers now.” We talked for a while and I gave them my number. How the hell else do you get to know your neighbors? I’m sure they thought I was a bit strange, a big guy playing an off key rendition of Magaritaville to a midget lab mix, but they seemed to be pleasant people.

I now talk about day care centers, breast milk, and can debate circumcision at length. At the same time, I’m really excited about the new movie “The Aristocrats” which is basically nothing but the retelling of a filthy joke. I guess I will carve out my own niche of fatherhood. I will in the words of my friend Mark “Relax and parry the blow.”

I had two baby related odd moments at work today. The first was when I told the girls at the front desk about Nancy being induced next week. First off, they were pissed and decided that if that happened, the betting pool was off. Secondly, they told me that we had to have the baby early and started rattling of home induction techniques. They mentioned driving on bumpy roads, drinking castor oil, the usual, then suddenly one of them said, “You have got to have sex!” The others chimed in, “That’s the only surefire way” “Wait until Tuesday, so I will win the office pool”.

Now those who know me know I don’t get embarrassed easily. Here I had four women all urging me to have sex with my wife in the same tone of voice that they would use to tell me to buy her flowers on our anniversary, or paint the garage (is that a euphemism?). I’m slightly more reserved at work, and try not to reveal too much of my personal life, but I was completely at the mercy of these four women who were urging me to have sex with Nancy. I don’t know if they expected me to run out of the building and drive home right then, but I didn’t. I assured them I would take care of it, and thanked them for their advice.

Later on in the day, while I was at my desk, another woman told the tale of her C-section. She said she was awake, and looking in a mirror down at the belly. They cut her belly and were pulling things back and forth to try and open a hole. She said she became nauseous watching them flay her open in the mirror, and almost threw up when she saw a head covered with black hair pop out of the incision in her abdomen. The head looked around the room and started to cry. (I assumed at this point, the baby hopped out of the cavity, scurried across the floor, into the ventilation system and went to lay it’s eggs in some other poor host.). The woman’s husband picked the baby up and carried it to her head. He asked, “Why is she crying?”. The mom answered, “That’s what babies do.” At the sound of the mother’s voice, the baby stopped crying immediately, and calmed down.

My first thought is, this is one of the most disgusting stories I’ve ever heard. The second thought is, “How cool is that? The baby recognized the mom’s voice!” What an amazing “mini” miracle in the middle of vivisection and chaos.

My final thought is, “Thank the good Lord for my penis, and subsequently my inability to give birth.”

Big Matt

August Birthday (CTL 19)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 19

For those keeping dilation score at home, we are at 2.5 cm. Nancy called me at work and told be that she was going to be induced on August 5. At first I was a little ticked off, because I thought that the doctor was speeding things up to coincide with a vacation or something. Nope turns out the doctor asked Nancy when or if she wanted to set up an appointment to be induced, and she said, “How’s Monday?” The doctor suggested waiting until the actual due date.

Some of the women at work are pissed that now there is no way they can win the birth date pool. In fact they will declare the whole pool null and void if she is induced.

Since Nancy is doing like 60% of the work, I’ll let her make the decision of when to induce. Mt only beef with it now is that is we have to be at the hospital at 5:30 in the morning. Why should I have to suffer so much?

Realizing we now had a countdown of eight days, I started to think about what an August birthday means. There won’t be any cupcakes brought into a school class. He might get to be at a summer camp during his birthday. We could have birthday parties at Wet and Wild. I can’t figure out if this means he will be older than or younger than everyone in his class. Even better, we could have his birthday at the new baseball park downtown and watch the Grasshoppers play. I wonder what the first year is that his birthday will fall on a Thirsty Thursday?

We watched Hotel Rwanda again tonight at our friend Daniel’s house. Both times I’ve watched that movie, it made me want to adopt an African child. I don’t think I have the courage or resources to do it, but I can’t shake the idea.

I heard an interesting idea on the radio this afternoon. You can’t go to a play, or raise a child, or watch a movie, or hear a song, and know for certain how it will affect you before it starts. You just have to experience it fully. I hope we are good parents, but I also know we will do many things wrong.

Every time Nancy calls me at work, or yells from the other room, I think, “Is this it?” It’s a long, slow tension.

The heat has finally broke and there are some lovely thunderstorms going on right now. Nancy won’t sleep much tonight (She didn’t last night anyway) and the thunder will probably keep me up for a while.

I’m trying to convince Nancy that walking around the beer festival on Saturday will probably help speed up the delivery time.

Big Matt

Only For Now (CTL 18)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 18

Nancy’s attitude about being induced changed slightly. She told me that if they wanted to induce her on Monday, that would be perfectly okay with her. She finished up what needed to be done at school, and is now trying to plan something every day so she’s not sitting and thinking and waiting.

I heard an interview with Carly Simon this morning on N.P.R. At one point she mentioned reading in her journal about what her favorite song was in 1958. It got me to thinking about what my favorites song was at different times in my life. Right now, my favorite song is “For Now” from Avenue Q. Avenue Q is a cross between “Rent” and “Sesame Street.” There are great songs about racism, love, sex, and finding your purpose in life, all sung by fuzzy puppets. (I’ve never seen the show, but love the music.)

The last song on the CD is about how everything in life is only for now. Savor the good stuff, because it will only be around for a while, and don’t sweat the bad stuff, because it too is only going to be around for a while. It lists all the things that are only for now like, Sex, your job, Your Hair, and George Bush.

“Each time you smile, it will only last a while. Life may be scary, but it’s only temporary.” I will try to keep this in mind in the early months.

A good friend of mine, Jason Gillete, once told me, “I don’t know if I’ll ever know my true purpose in life, but being a father, that’s gotta be pretty close.” Jason is not always that profound. He’s the same guy I shared an un-air-conditioned cabin with one summer and was treated daily to him applying a fishy smelling ointment to his groin for a bathing suit rash.

I am very much looking forward to meeting Isaac. I’ve started to dream about the delivery. My sister told me that we will have strange dreams right before the baby comes, like that we are going to give birth to an octopus or some other strange creature.

I dreamt that Nancy went into labor over my lunch break, and that I ended up getting in a lot of trouble because I didn’t get back to work until 4:00.

I need to run to the store to buy some Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and some A-1 sauce.

Big Matt

Showers (CTL 17)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 17

It’s hot. Man oh man it’s hot. Several public thermometers I saw today were in the triple digits, and I believed them. All the news programs said that today was a “Red” Day for ozone meaning it was only suitable for zombies, and Canadian geese (nothing kills those things.) Oh and one more thing….the air conditioner in Nancy’s library isn’t working. Still she hasn’t complained. I have a bad feeling that she is saving up all the complaining for the delivery time.

We had our last official shower Monday at my job, and again Nancy and I were blown away by people’s generosity. Isaac got a “Hugh Hefner” style bathrobe. (I call it his smoking jacket.) One of the nurses gave him his first roller coaster (One of those boards with bright colored beads on stiff bendy wires.) This same nurse gave us baby powder scented shelf paper to line the insides of the dresser. I kid you not. The nursery smells like a nursery is supposed to. Four of the girls at work, pooled their time and talents and produced a beautiful baby blanket. We got all kinds wonderful toys, outfits, and bath accessories.

I felt a little awkward at all the showers we had. I guess that’s the guy’s job. I know this isn’t my show, everyone is there to see the round lady and the cute little outfits. I just carry the presents out to the car afterwards.

I took a peek at the office “Baby delivery time pool”. The first picks are on August 1. The last pick is August 20. I don’t know who picked August 20, but Nancy hates you.

We took one of our Target gift cards and bought a very cool CD/DVD combo that my friend Ben McFarland recommended. It’s They Might Be Giants “Here come the ABCs”. It’s a really weird, funny collection of songs and cartoons about learning the alphabet. Our poor son is probably going to be as geeky as his old man, but at least he will know his ABCs.

It looks like Isaac won’t share the same birthday as his cousin Cassidy. (July 26)

I can’t believe it was three years ago that she was born! I dragged her mom and dad all over Disneyworld in the July heat the week before she was born. A few months earlier, Nancy, Terri, John and I went on a airboat tour or the Everglades. (Also a bit warm in April.) After the boat ride, we all packed into a small dark theater to see the “Reptile show”, which consisted of a stocky Seminole slinging snakes around over our heads and telling us how long we’d have to live if we got bit by them, but it wouldn’t matter since we are so far out in the swamp at this point anyway. Halfway through the show, one of the four of us passed out. I won’t say who it was so as not to embarrass her, but Nancy’s sister say’s it was the heat, not the snakes that made her faint.

Point of the story. If you have to go slinging live snakes around, please don’t do it in Nancy’s library until they fix the air conditioning or until after she delivers.

Thank you.

Big Matt

P.S. To clarify the whole inducing thing. Later this week, they will set up an appointment to induce one week after the due date because, if you show up for your scheduled induction appointment, and the hospital is full, they will bump you back a few days. If you wait to long, you can’t schedule it. Oh hell just ask Nancy.

Little Matt, Alex, and the Plastic Hoo Hah (CTL 16)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 16

Monday is our last scheduled baby shower, so come Monday at 5:00 p.m., we are ready to get the show on the road. At Nancy’s doctor appointment Friday, they told her that if she goes past the due date, they will set up an appointment to induce. Nancy decided she would rather have it a surprise. The logic is, right now, the birth date is still nebulous. As soon as a date is set for induction, her mindset will change, and as those of you who know Nancy well know, she will plan and fret until the moment she hits the doors at Women’s Hospital. She is really at peace with everything right now, and to have a deadline looming would put her into stress mode.

Here comes the science……They induce pregnancy by introducing hormones via an I.V. drip that starts the uterine walls to contracting. There are also quite a few folk medicine methods.

There has been a bit of controversy over the “Castor Oil” method of induction. My mother in law says it didn’t work for her, but my sister swears by it. My cousin Erin sent a recipe that works “9 out of 10” times that involves eating as much Kraft Macaroni and Cheese with A-1 sauce as possible. The baby will come in 24 hours according to the website (and when has the internet ever been wrong?). One of the more common methods of natural induction is to engage in sexual intercourse. Well I guess if it’s for Nancy’s peace of mind, I’ll try any crazy method. Sort of a “farewell party”.

Matt and Alex came down this weekend, and we had a pretty terrific time doing all the things I’ll never get to do again once the baby arrives. We played music together (Little Matt on mandolin, Alex on banjo, and I played guitar), drank beer, played golf, saw a couple of movies, played X-box, and went out to a baseball game. We laughed a lot, ate a lot, and got very little sleep. It was like a really short intense vacation, and I feel ready to move on to fatherhood.

One of the funniest moments this weekend was on Friday night, Nancy, the guys and I were talking about the delivery process, and Alex said that he still didn’t get how it all worked. Luckily I had a visual aid, a slightly larger than life size plastic model of the female reproductive system I had bought at a museum garage sale. When I presented it to the guys to explain, Matt exploded with laughter, Alex could barely look directly at it, and Nancy, being used to this sort of thing, just rolled her eyes.

After the guys left for D.C. I got out the video camera and charged it up to do a technical rehearsal (not that it will come within a Nancy appointed half mile radius of the delivery room). We’ve used our camera twice, and I’ve never actually filmed anything at all with it. Once we filmed our friend Scott’s baptism, and once it was used to film an “Amazing Race” audition tape. I just wanted to check out the camera before it was “showtime” I got a few seconds of footage of Nancy and pre-birth Isaac. Nancy has been a little camera shy since she started showing, but there is now video proof.

We are ready.

Big Matt

The Other Isaacs (CTL 15)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 15

As of the doctor visit Friday morning, Nancy was 50% effaced and two centimeters dilated (Only eight more to go!!!!). Our other baby headline is that Isaac is going to have another girl cousin in Florida!!! Nancy’s sister is pregnant and the ultrasound suggests a female hat trick for the Armitage family. Poor Elijah (my nephew from my sister) and Isaac are going to have to fight to keep their G.I. Joes safe from being assimilated into the Barbie collective.

I forgot to mention one of our neat gifts we received in the mail yesterday from Nancy’s college roommate Meredith. A small envelope arrived in the mail filled with five bright blue felt cones decorated with little yellow airplanes. They are called Pee Pee Tee Pees. They are supposed to be placed over the penis while changing to soak up any errant showers. In the interest of making sure everything is completely baby safe, I tested them out, and they really only hold a few ounces before they become completely saturated.

If you are still reading, you are probably okay to read the next story. It is actually relevant to what I was writing earlier today about how you change when you become a parent. Jeff was telling me last night about how he was changing a diaper the other day, and a “flash flood” occurred. He told me that he calmly covered his son with his hand in order to prevent a major soak down, when it occurred to him, “There is another human being urinating on me right now, and I’m not even thinking about pulling my hand away.” This is the insanity of parenting.

I want to thank everyone who responded to my question about famous Isaacs. The most common response was Asimov (He’s the guy who wrote the Will Smith movie, I Robot.) Asimov was the author who came up with the three rules of robotics which have kept Sky Net in check for these many years.

• D.J. Isaac was the second most popular response. I tried to listen to some of his music, but it’s that rave stuff. http://www.djisaac.com/
• Isaac Bonewits is a cyber pagan. http://www.neopagan.net/ Somehow I don’t think he will be mentioned in the dedication service at College Park Baptist church.
• Isaac Barrow, a British mathematician born in 1670. His father was linen draper by trade…….ooooooooooo!
• This one was a surprise to me, Isaac Hanson. I always thought Hanson was a band of little girls. I guess you learn something everyday.
• Isaac Shelby- First governor of Kentucky.

A redneck Kentucky joke would be too obvious, so I’ll skip to

• Isaac Delgado- “Afro pop” artist. No kidding. It’s a type of salsa music, not something to do with frozen hair.
• Ike Turner- The best music manager ever.
• Itzhak Perlman- Evidently some fiddle player.
• Isaac Mizrahi- He is a fashion designer and media ho.

There are quite a few scientific organizations with the acronym Isaac including:

• The International Society of Arboriculture, Australia Chapter
• International Symposium on Algorithms and Computation
• The International Society for Archaeoastronomy and Astronomy in Culture
• Innovative Scientific Analysis and Computing
• International Society for Augmentive and Alternative Communication
• Internet Security, Applications, Authentication, and Cryptography
• Although these guys sound like a lot of fun, you can find me at the Isaac Butt Pub in Dublin. http://www.theisaacbutt.com/

Big Matt

Sasser Boys (CTL 14)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 14

We had a wonderful mini-shower last night (A sprinkle). There may not have been a lot of people, but Nancy and I both felt overwhelmingly loved. These folks will be a big part of Isaac’s village. Our hosts, Jeff and Lynn have two little boys. Adam and Daniel were evidently competing to see who could be the cutest child, with extra points awarded for being funniest and loudest as well. Adam had recently discovered Peter Pan, and spent most of the evening offering people a hook made out of tinfoil then whacking them with a foam rubber sword. Adam can go through about six intense emotions in 20 seconds. He can laugh, hug you tenderly, call you a “cry baby”, and then throw a tantrum in the blink of an eye. He is at his funniest (to outsiders at least) when he is mad. He stomps around using exaggerated gestures and calling you random names he has learned at daycare. When he threw a tantrum last night, all the childless folks in the next room were doing their best not to laugh out loud.

Daniel’s primary form of communication is laughing loudly, so wherever he goes a party follows. He especially enjoyed shredding tissue paper with the efficiency of an office machine.

Both kids are a lot of fun, but wear me out quickly.

We got lot’s of great stuff last night, but one gift in particular really touched me. Jeff’s mom made us a blanket, booties and a hat. We don’t know her that well, but are amazed at the grace she showed us.

This weekend my friends Matt and Alex are here for a “Baby” bachelor party.

It’s different from the “Wedding” bachelor party in that it was highly unlikely that the “bride” would show up in the middle of the festivities, whereas, Isaac could easily crash this party. (It will also differ in that Matt, Alex, and I won’t be driving to the seediest part of Tampa for this party.) We will probably end up drinking beer, playing X-box, hitting some golf balls, and going to watch the Grasshoppers play.

Nancy and I have a running joke between us about how , “Once the baby gets here, we will never again”. The blank has been filled in with everything from “Go out to a restaurant”, “Have sex”, “Go to a movie”, to “Run through bicentennial park butt naked at three in the morning howling at the moon”. (Nancy wants to assure everyone that the last one just applies to Max and I.) We do it as a hyperbole of all the gloom and doom advice we’ve received, but there is a little nervous laughter as well.

My brother in law, Ryan, assures me that your priorities change, and your life adapts. I guess I can wear the baby carrier next time I feel the need to howl at the moon.

Big Matt

The "F" Word and other Isaacs (CTL 13)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 13

First off I want to apologize for using the “F” word in the last issue. Nancy informed me of some of the baby etiquette rules when it comes to using the “F” word. Evidently the rules about the “F” word are similar to the rules about the “N” word. Don’t ever call someone else’s baby “Fussy”. I apologize to all involved.

Nancy and I agree that Max knows something is going on. He became very defensive before we moved to our new house. (Just ask our friend and realtor John, who nicknamed our Dog ‘Sybil’ after witnessing one of these mood swings first hand.) This morning I called him to get some medicine and he wouldn’t come. When I went to give it to him, he barked at me and ran off. I explained to him who the top dog was in this house (For the dog’s sake, Nancy let it be me) by barking loudly back at him, calling him ‘Motherfussy’, and reminding him of how ‘Old Yeller’ ended. He’s back to his normal laid back self, and we will give him the benefit of the doubt that he is just anxious about his impending demotion to ‘family pet’.

Nancy has been feeling contractions at least a few times a day now. She’s also uncomfortable sitting, standing, lying, or walking, but she really is being a trooper. She offered to go with me to a funeral tomorrow. I explained that it was probably going to be very crowded, hot, and we would probably have to be at the church an hour and a half before the service started, but she still said she’d go. I finally told her I didn’t think it would be a good idea for her to go, and she seemed relieved. I’m so lucky to be married to a woman who was willing be that uncomfortable just to be there for me.

She is definitely ready for the baby to come. My sister recommend two tablespoons of Castor Oil mixed with Kool Aid or Khalua. One caveat for this method is that you need to make sure there is a toilet near by.

Another friend suggested hooking her up to the automatic milking machine we talked about earlier. Fool the body into thinking the baby was already born….

“What the hell? The baby is already outside? Well what’s this thing I’ve been carrying all this time?”

Finally I need a little audience participation. During the baby dedication at the church, our pastor usually mentions famous people who have the same name as the baby. (In this case Isaac)

What I need from you all is some famous Isaacs.

I have a list of four so far.

1)The Bible Isaac

2)Isaac Hayes

3)Isaac Newton

4) Isaac Green (Although most of you don’t know him, his birthday parties were the stuff of legends with the class of 1992 in Alachua county, so he is sort of famous.)

Any others?

Finally, thanks to Mike Bauman for finding the song “Laughing Place” online and downloading it for me. It will be Isaac’s theme song I’m just sure of it.

Big Matt

Orange Kit Kats and Borders (CTL 12)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 12

Well of the three couples we were supposed to have dinner with, only one made it. The others all had fussy babies. Our friends Jamie and Shawna brought over little Riley last night who is almost eight weeks old. I can’t believe we will have something like that living in our house in a little while.

Riley is adorable. She had a shock of brown hair and beautiful blues eyes. She spends most of her time quietly taking note of everything and comparing it all to the place she lived a couple of months ago. She got the hiccups while the rest of us were eating dinner. The dog looked mildly curious, but when it turned out the baby didn’t have any bread, he wandered off. This is a good sign as far as Nancy and I are concerned. The cats were on their best behavior hoping maybe that our friends would adopt them and feed them something more palatable than two cups of Purina Fat Cat food a day.

Nancy has found a new best candy in the whole world. We discovered it by chance at the new Walgreen’s up the street. Orange Kit Kats. They are regular Kit Kats without a bit of chocolate on them. Instead, they are coated in a fluorescent orange waxy substance similar to that white chocolate crap. Oh yeah and they taste like oranges in the same way banana Laffy Taffy tastes like bananas. Nancy could eat a whole bag in one sitting. Just ask the usher who had to clean the theater we saw Charlie and The Chocolate Factory in on Sunday.

We went to Borders last night, and just for fun I went to check out the parenting books, hoping to find something remotely interesting or cool for the new dad to be. No luck there. I did see one book that was the “KISS Guide to Parenting”. I hoped it was by Gene Simmons, but it turned out that KISS was an acronym for Keep It Simple Stupid. It was a knock off of the “Books for Dummies”

Another thing that I found in the parenting book section is that many celebrities have written books about parenting, because no one raises a better child than celebrities you know. 90’s footnote Jenny McCarthy has two books. A woman who’s claim to fame was posing in Playboy and being the “Vanna White” on an MTV dating show has written two books about parenting. Do people actually buy this shit? Seriously. I am trying to think of the scenario when someone would walk into a book store and walk past all of the other books and somehow walk out of the store after paying for one of the Jenny McCarthy parenting books.

“Lets see….Paris Hilton hasn’t written a book about parenting yet. Is there someone with the same amount of talent who I could turn to for advice about raising my child in this cruel world?”

Okay I’ll admit it. There haven’t been any huge insights about parenting today, so I ended up rambling about Orange Kit Kats and Jenny McCarthy…..they can’t all be winners.

Big Matt

On Call (CTL 11)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 11

At my old job, I used to be on call every few weekends and I hated it. I had to carry a beeper and be ready to go to the hospital at a moment’s notice. Usually the message I got from the doctor was, “Well I don’t really think it’s anything, but come on in and check it out.” I was always cranky on those weekends.

I’m on call again, only this time it’s for Nancy. I’ve gotten so that anytime my cell phone rings, or Nancy yells for me from the other side of the house, I do a quick mental checklist of what I need to do to get out of where I am, who I need to call, and what the quickest route to the hospital is. I’m assuming that we will get an eight hour heads-up (I don’t know why I assume this) from Isaac to let us know he’s moving out.

Last night, I just watched Nancy’s belly move and squirm. Isaac is already very smart. He has figured out a series of kicks and punches to communicate with us, we just haven’t learned to interpret them yet. The obvious visual comparison is the parasite in the movie Alien, but I also thought of old Bugs Bunny cartoon when someone ate dynamite and would quiver, ready to blow at the slightest jostle.

While I was enjoying the “Wavy Belly” Show, Nancy told me she felt a contraction. My first instinct was to raise the Delivery Awareness Level from “Orange” or “Guarded” to “Red” or “Active Delivery Phase”. My mind quieted down when I looked at Nancy. She’ll know when it’s time.

Here comes the science…..For those of you haven’t been exposed to making babies (except for rolling over and going to sleep afterwards)*, the cervix is a thick muscular ring at the base of the uterus. The baby’s head is slightly pointed to push though. “Contractions” are actually the muscles in the walls of the uterus practicing for the big day. Normally the cervix looks like the neck of a turtle neck sweater, but when it effaces, it stretches and thins out. It also dilates from 0 cm (completely closed), to 5 cm (ouch this isn’t fun), 8 cm (you son of a bitch I never wanted kids), 10 cm (baby time).

I’m sure you’ve seen skeletons before. Next time you look at one, look at the bones in the pelvis. A baby has to get through that hole. Oh yeah, bone doesn’t strech by the way. When the baby’s head is level with the bottom of the hip joints, they are at “Zero station” Any higher, and the are rated at Zero -1-5 (-5 being the highest). Any lower and the are rated Zero +1-5 (anything higher than three, and the baby is crowning).

Two weeks ago, Nancy was 50% effaced, and 1 cm dilated.

Tonight, hopefully we will have a house full of babies, as some of our friends from the childbirth class will join us for dinner so we should have some good stories tomorrow.

Big Matt.

* Thanks for the joke Alex

Harry Potter and the Belly Full of Baby (CTL 10)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 10

Well Nancy decided that Isaac can go ahead and make his appearance. She finished Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince on Saturday afternoon. She finished the book and immediately went and packed her bag for the hospital. Later, she withdrew twenty dollars from the bank. This went into the bag so I would have money to go and get food while she is in the hospital. (She thinks of everything.) The hospital is within walking distance of Baja Fresh and Hardees, so I got that going for me. She already told me that when she is allowed to eat real food after the baby comes, she wants a Jersey Mike’s turkey sub. She also has a bottle of her favorite wine stashed somewhere around the house for when she gets home.

Back to the book, She gives it a big thumbs up and is curious about where the series is going from here. I hope Isaac gets her voracious appetite for reading. I’m sure there will be a big fight about who gets to read the Potter books out loud to Isaac. Nancy may have the experience, but I can do the goofy voices, so I bet I will be the people’s choice.

Nancy has not complained once about the heat. She stood in line in a 90 degree parking lot for about an hour for a wrist band to get into the midnight “Potter party”, and then waited in line about 45 minutes that night. I asked her several times to let me stand in her place so she could go inside and sit in the air conditioning, but she wouldn’t have it. I ended up walking down the strip mall to E.B. Games, looking like the worst husband ever.

Nancy was pretty restless last night. If you want the stats, the longest she went without violently kicking her legs is exactly sixteen seconds. She averaged about eleven seconds between each bout with ‘restless leg syndrome’. When I congratulated her on breaking her previous record of twelve seconds, she got up to watch television. Nancy also wanted me to tell you that there is nothing on TV at two in the morning.

During church this morning, I thought of what I thought was a pretty good joke. I whispered to Nancy that it would be funny half way through the service for her to lean over, whisper something in my ear, and then for the two of us walk out the back door with her holding her belly, and me steadying her. She chuckled, but didn’t go for it.

I just want to acknowledge all of the supportive e-mails we’ve received so far. We’ve got some good advice (You aren’t going to break the baby, it’s not as delicate as you think it is.), and some great encouragement (It’s going to be a change, but you will adapt to it.). One common bit of advice is for us to catch up on our sleep. I don’t really know how this is possible to do. I don’t know how far behind I am currently lacking in sleep, but I guess I’ll do my best.

One final word before I close. I want to thank my sister Ali for the nice e-mail she sent. I want to share the closing line of her e-mail. “It is so true that once you have a child, your heart will forever walk around outside of your body.”

Big Matt

The Cradle (CTL 9)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 9

There is a cradle in my bed room. Most of the baby’s stuff is in a small bedroom which will be the nursery, so I don’t see it every day. There is a damn cradle in my bed room. When I get up to pee in the middle of the night, I walk by a cradle…..in my bed room. When I wake up in the morning, I see a cradle. It’s actually on loan from our friends Mark and Carrie. They told me it was an Amish cradle. I assume that it was hand made. I feel a little guilty in hauling it over in my truck instead of a horse drawn buggy.

This cradle is just another tangible reminder that big things are on the way.

Nancy is really hoping that the baby does not come this weekend. The Harry Potter book comes out Saturday morning, and she will probably have it read by Monday. I told her that if she does go into labor this weekend, and it ended up going for a really long time, she could just read through the whole thing.

I don’t think she bought it.

Mark explained to me that it’s not a good idea to have the TV tuned to ESPN during labor either. I think he is still paying for that.

Next weekend, I think my friends Alex and Little Matt are coming up to visit. Part of me hopes that the baby comes next weekend, so that they will both be part of the story of Isaac’s life from the beginning. (…..and then Nancy called over to Natty Green’s where Alex had just started a drunken ramble about his “Fat Tax” proposal and Matt was laughing hyena-like at it. Or, Nancy kept asking to go the hospital and I kept stalling to play just one more game of Star Wars Battlefront) Alex has already claimed the title of “Ungodlyfather” if Isaac makes an appearance while they are in town.

The cheap part of me has already started making a mental tally of which restaurants kids eat free at for each night of the week. My thought is, Nancy and I go in, bring Isaac, order food for him, and then take it home in a to go box. (If Nancy eats the leftovers, then technically Isaac will get some too.)

Finally, I started reading the book “Operating Instructions” by Ann Lamott. Nancy had already read it and recommended it to me. I love it and recommend it highly. She’s a former addict, and thoroughly familiar with her dark side, so the subject matter can be dark at times, but it’s a great read. It’s her diary of her first year as a single mother. It’s good to know ahead of time that we are going to feel like total failures at times.

Big Matt

Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard ( CTL 8)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 8

We met our pediatrician today, and in case any of you are wondering, Goofus and Gallant are still having wacky adventures after all these years as reported by Highlights magazine. The office waiting room has the standard issue fish tank and really bitchin little wooden train set (You know that really expensive kind, so you know this is a good office.)

One of benefits of being pregnant is all the free shit you get. You can get all kinds of free samples of diapers, formula (which is not bad in coffee), band aids, you name it. Naturally I was stoked when I saw a big box in the office filled with blue bags labeled, “Parenting.com Young Family Kit” I grabbed one and although it seemed a little thin, there was definitely something solid with a little mass to it. Maybe it would be a free sample of gin!!!!

Nope. It’s a little tiny box of “Tiger Power” cereal. I don’t think this cereal is going to make it in the crowded market. It’s basically a slightly sweeter tasting “triple loop” version of cheerios. There is only four times as much packaging as cereal. That was the only thing in the bag. I’m starting to think that maybe this “Young Family Kit” isn’t about helping my family get a head start, but in reality is about selling dry ass cereal shape vaguely like tiger foot prints.

Dr. Young seemed like a very nice fellow. He was a big fan of breasts (What guy isn’t?), and we spent quite a while talking about foreskins. (That is my second favorite name for a band. Big Matt and the Four skins. My first is Oedipus and the Mothers.)

As far as I’m concerned, I’m sold on this guy.

Here comes the science…. Dr. Young explained a bit about milk production today, and it’s pretty damn cool. Nipple stimulation sends hormones to the brain. These hormones tell the brain, “Hey it’s feeding time….Time to use these things for something other than selling cars.”. The brain then releases another hormone that floats back down to the hoo hahs and tells them to make with the leche. Only problem is this can take from 3-5 days to really work well (some books say a couple of weeks). Well there are two things to keep the child from starving while waiting. First, there is an extra layer of fat around the brain and heart that can keep a newborn going for a while. Secondly, there is a thick fluid called colostrum (Alex, could you check the spelling on that for me?) that comes out initially that is chock full of good stuff for babies, including stuff that helps activate the immune system. Cool huh?

Nancy went to the O.B GYN Kenobie today and didn’t get any new news. She is a little frustrated that the main measurement they take is the “Belly”, and not two of the doctors have measured it the same way. This seems like such an archaic way of doing things. From what we understand, the belly measurement does not always reflect how big the child is.

Nancy has decided she’s ready for the baby, but not this weekend. I’ll tell you why next letter.

Big Matt

Life is Beautiful (CTL 7)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 7

My mindset has been rocking back and forth between wanting things to get rolling right now, and trying to savor my last few weeks of being childfree. These “feelings” that women are always talking about, they are frightening and strange. How can I possibly want two diametrically opposed things at the same time? Weird.

I had a rough day yesterday, a patient at the lab reminded me of my grandfather who died suddenly last year. (This happens often, as most of our patients are old.) As I was reflecting on my grandfather, it occurred to me for the first time, that I won’t get to introduce my son to him (not in this life anyway). I could picture the meeting perfectly in my head, but it hit me like a truck that it would never happen.

Over the last year, my grief has healed to a dull ache, but yesterday it opened up again, and I spent most of last night grieving for the loss of a holy moment.

Today on the way into work, I was listening to “Rhapsody in Blue”, and near the end of the song, there is a huge swelling fanfare with pianos and horns. My heart soared. The music filled me with joy, and I realized that I would get to share this joy with Isaac. I did a mental tally of things that I’m looking forward to seeing and hearing with new eyes and ears.

• Feeding animals. I remember the joy and overwhelming terror of feeding ducks and geese as a child.
• Taking him to the “Lawndale Science Center”. Hopefully he will connect to it the same way I connected with the “Florida State Museum”
• His dedication service at church.
• Halloween
• The “Pull my finger” trick. Oddly enough, Nancy does not find this one funny anymore
• His first real smile
• His first airplane ride when he realizes what is going on
• Teaching him a goofy song my dad used to always sing, “My Gal’s a Corker”
• His first trip to “Rocky Horror Picture Show” (We’ll dress him up as Riff Raff)
• His first camping trip (So he can sample new and exciting flavors of dirt.)
• Selling overpriced popcorn and wrapping paper at work for his school
• His first time driving a bumper car. (Finally I will be able to ride the kiddie rides at Carowinds without looking creepy.)

So I’m as filled with hope today as I was filled with grief yesterday.

Tomorrow morning we go to the pediatrician!!!! Stay tuned.

Big Matt.

One for the money, two for the show (CTL 6)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 6

There is a great roller coaster in Richmond called “Flight of Fear”. An empty coaster train silently rolls into the station. You climb into the seat and strap in. You look at the track ahead and all you see is a long dark tunnel. It leads to another room which is filled with winding track. An ominous voice gives a warning about keeping your head against the headrest. There is a loud whirring sound, and then a half second of silence.

The next thing you know, you are pinned back in the seat, with wind rushing past you at 60 miles per hour, a strobe light flashing in your eyes, and a deafening whooshing sound rattling your teeth.

Right now we are in that half second of silence. We’ve waited in line for nine months. We’ve already seen friends disappear down the tunnel and live to tell us about what a fun but terrifying ride it is. Any moment now we are going to be slammed back in our seats, terrified, and completely out of control.

Nancy could blow at any minute, and we would leave the house as two and come back as three.

The panic level raised slightly when I got an e-mail from my friend Alex in D.C. asking if he could visit while we are still D.I.N.K.s (Duel income, no kids). I told him that this weekend I had a lot of stuff to do with the church, but next weekend would be fine. (Alex, not much of a “church” fan, still has a scar from where he accidentally touched a crucifix at the national cathedral and it burned his flesh with an audible hiss.)

I did the math and realized, we may no longer be D.I.N.K.s in two weeks. It was at that moment, that I realized that Nancy and I were strapped in, looking down the long tunnel, and have a white knuckle grip on each other’s hands.

Big Matt

Preparations (CTL 5)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 5

My parents have friends named Chelsea and Ryan who are also pregnant. My dad showed me a picture where Ryan painted Chelsea’s belly to look like a basketball. The look on Nancy’s face should have said enough, but I asked anyway.

“Maybe I could do the Epcot ball on your belly?”

I don’t remember the exact words, but it was something to the tune of, “No way in hell”. Nancy has been really cool about the changes in her body. We even went and spent a day at a swimming pool a week ago, and she wore an honest to God bathing suit. In case you’ve never worn maternity clothes, they are like normal clothes accept they have a huge cloth panel over the belly. Oh man they are sexy.

I’ll get on my soapbox now. Women are made to feel like crap about how they look from the time they get their first Barbie. Somebody go get that Lohan girl a sammich for Pete’s sake.

Since she began showing, Nancy’s attitude is, “I’m pregnant. This is how I look, and I’m proud of it.” I think she looks great. She exercises regularly, and eats mostly healthy food. She’s the hottest pregnant woman I know. She also has this cool, content look on her face when she sits rubbing her belly. It’s like she has a secret and she’s not in a hurry to share it with anyone.

In other news, we woke Max up long enough to explain to him that he just got bumped down about four notches on the family totem pole. He’s now just below the washing machine, but still above the cats.

I downloaded a three minute crying jag from www.beprepared.net . I’ve played it for Max a few times, and can’t really tell if there is any reaction at all. I put the mirror under his nose, and he was still breathing so I guess that was a good sign.

I’ve heard that we want to bring some of the baby’s clothes home early from the hospital so the dog can smell them. I think I’ll just take a sack full of dog hair to the hospital and sprinkle it in the crib instead.

My sister assures me that I will be amazed how incredibly stupid the animals will become as soon as Isaac gets here. I calmly explained to Max that he needs to come over and gently nudge me when he needs to go out instead of barking loudly. I think he understands this and will work on his behavior.

Big Matt

Grandparents in Town (CTL 4)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 4

Nancy has been reading “Operating Instructions” by Anne Lamott, and “Hello My Name is Mommy” by Sheri Lynch. Both books are down-to-earth and funny looks at parenting a new born. Here is a quote from “Hello”

“Childbirth takes a serious toll on a woman’s body, leaving her weary, depleted, sore and sometimes –as in the case of a C-section- not fully mobile. Best case scenario: You’re tired. Really tired. Worst case scenario: You’re spending part of each day holding a bag of frozen peas to a part of your body you never dreamed would yearn for that kind of intimate encounter with the Jolly Green giant.”

These books make her laugh out loud and cry, often simultaneously.

My folks are here this weekend in Greensboro. I love my folks, but there isn’t a huge area where our interests overlap. Dad loves Civil war (excuse me, ‘The War of Northern Aggression’) history, and doing meticulous research into finding out how many Englishmen his Scottish ancestors killed. Mom could spend all day shopping at a “Ross” clothing store. Riding around in a strange city, she can spot a Ross, T.J. Maxx, or Marshall’s sign from miles away. I even think she has some sort of inner alarm clock that will wake her up if she come with in a half mile of any of the previously mentioned stores.

To be fair, my pop was a good sport when I tried to get him to play the Demolition Derby game on X-Box. I could always find his car. It was the one that managed to pin itself into a corner of the arena, and was immediately battered into scrap metal by Cyber-rednecks.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the similarities I have with my parents. I think I have inherited my mother’s generosity and creative abilities. I can easily converse with any stranger just like my old man. I realize my own son may end up nothing like me, so what are the important things that I want to instill in him? In my ideal life for him, he goes into a life of science or engineering, and uses his knowledge to help the less fortunate. What if he becomes a (God forbid.) English major?

I’ve come up with a short list of five things I hope to instill in my son.

• I hope he values intelligence and curiosity.
• I hope he learns the power of humor. Laughter can be helpful even in the darkest times.
• I hope he is tenderhearted.
• I hope he has courage. Failure and pain are inevitable in life. You can’t be afraid of them or they will control you.
• Question the status quo. If you don’t get a good answer, work for a better system.(Except when dad says so, them you better believe him, or he’ll give you something to cry about.)

In other news, Nancy discovered that she has a mole in her belly button that she never knew about. Wow, you learn so much about yourself when you are pregnant!!!!

Big Matt

Going to the Doc (CTL 3)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 3

Nancy went to the doctor’s office on Thursday. I’ve been a couple of times, and been witness to some strange old man violating my wife. (This is called a cervical exam.) The office’s waiting room has about 500 copies of “American Baby” and “Pregnancy” magazines. These magazines are chock full of pregnant supermodels. These women represent a typical pregnancy the same way Goldie Hawn represents the normal 50 year old woman.

I didn’t go with her on the last visit, but it was a quick one, and pretty much everything is going fine. “Fine” is a word we’ve used time and again to describe this pregnancy, because there really hasn’t been anything too unusual. Then on the way out the door, it happened.

She started crying. For no particular reason. There was no bad news, no sad songs on the radio, nothing wrong per se, but the tears came none the less. After telling me about her unexplained crying jag, I kissed her gently on the forehead, and assured her that I would see the real Nancy again in about six months.

She used to cry at normal things: movies, talking about dead relatives, the episodes of Survivor where the people at home send in video tapes. Now she cries at Pepsi commercials.

As a guy, my first instinct is to fix this problem. My train of thought is “If only I think of the right thing to say, she’ll stop crying and I can go back to playing X-Box.” This usually just makes her mad, but at least she stops crying.

In other news, I’ve received a lot of positive feedback about the first newsletter. Mike Kirkman sent a long e-mail chock full of advice. One thing I found alarming was his assurance that I would become “very interested” in Isaac’s stool.

I say this now, “Unless Isaac is shitting gold coins, I won’t ramble on about his feces.” Copy this statement down, and use it to taunt me later when I inevitably become the guy who talks about the frequency and composition of the diaper changes. It’s only a matter of time, as 85% of a father’s interaction with a newborn is wiping off human waste with an electrically warmed moist towelette.

My folks are coming up this weekend, so I’m sure I will have plenty of material for the next letter.

Big Matt

Breasts (CTL 2)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 2

I just realized that I’m too lazy to do a blog. Last week, Nancy dragged me to “Breast Feeding part II” class. I missed part one, but it turns out that those things are used for something other than selling cars. Evidently they feed the child.

In the second class, I got to learn all about the different types of breast pumps. They were all demonstrated on what could be described as an oversized novelty pillow shaped like a breast.

Here is something I don’t understand. Men spend about 90% of our lives trying to look at breasts. The minute a baby comes near them, it’s like your head and that breast are magnetically repulsed. I bet if someone took an infant into Harpers, and put it on stage with the topless dancer, the whole place would be empty in less than a minute. The few men in the class were visibly uncomfortable. I could see them mentally tallying up the fine for pulling the fire alarm and making a run for it.

Nancy and I were fortunate to inherit a duel chamber breast pump from her sister. This is a device about the size of a briefcase, with a small pulsing diaphragm on the side. If you didn’t know better, you would assume it was some sort or respiratory assistance device. As the technician of the house, it was my job to figure out how to get it to work.

After much trial and error, I figured out most of the pieces, and after a few beers, I decided it needed a test run. (I apologize for the mental image this conjures up.) I thought Nancy would need oxygen before she would stop laughing. The best description I’ve heard of an electric breast pump in action is “It’s like if robots made porn movies”

In other baby news, my work is throwing a shower for us at the end of the month. Baby showers are like wedding showers, except there is not the slightest chance that any of the presents will be for you. Now don’t get me wrong, I have been blown away by the generosity of our friends and family, but somewhere in the back of my mind I always think…..”Well maybe instead of a ducky blanket, it will be Splinter Cell Chaos Theory or Grand Theft Auto San Andreas.”

I like to go into the nursery sometimes and look at all the books we’ve been given. There are quite a few I remember from my own childhood. One book that is very special to me is “There is a Monster at the End of This Book”. It was given to me by my friend and former teacher who I’ve always called “Miss O”.

I won’t tell you the whole story, but at the end, the monster turns out to be “Grover” from Sesame street. The pictures in the book connect me to my own childhood, and I look forward to the day when I hear my own son laugh at each turn of the page.

Big Matt

Countdown to Laughter 1

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 1

I decided to get an e-mail list ready so when the time comes to announce the arrival of Isaac Ryan Cravey, it will be easy to crank out an announcement. The more I thought about it, the more I realized this is the perfect time to live my lifelong dream of boring people with the minutia of my life through a mass e-mail.

Unlike most mass e-mails, something actually is going on right now, we are counting down one month until the due date of our first child, Isaac Ryan Cravey. I will use this forum to document my slow descent into madness as the reality of parenthood overtakes me.

I’ll probably send out an e-mail every few days. Now, if you aren’t interested, just speak up, and I’ll take you off the list. Secondly I will occasionally use profanity. I debated this for a while and eventually decided that I would go with profanity for a few reasons.

• Most of the “naughty words” actually refer to the creation of a baby, the parts that help create the baby, or what the baby spends 90% of his time doing so really this is one time when its appropriate.
• I’m going for honesty here, and when I’ve only had a few hours of sleep, the brain censor will shut off. Censoring myself will take to much energy.
• Everything else in my life is going to be sanitized for children’s protection so letting the “F” bomb slip once and again will help me vent.
• Profanity is an often funny and efficient means of communication.

i.e. “That Tom Cruise fellow is acting might bit peculiar.” 9 words

“Tom Cruise is Batshit” 4 words.

Finally, if you want to add someone to the list, just e-mail me.

So it dawned on me a few days ago that around a month from now, we will have a small thing living in our house. Those of you who have kids of your own have been almost no help whatsoever. I seem to remember in the years before Nancy was pregnant, there was an uninterrupted stream of questions like “When are you going to have kids?”, and comments like, “Fatherhood gives a real direction to your life.” As soon as the egg was fertilized, all of those friendly helpful faces turned to a unison chant of the least bit of helpful advice ever……”Your lives are going to change so much”

The inflection in this statement is usually a mix of pity, and Schaudenfreude. Nancy and I had originally thought that having a baby would be similar to buying a new couch or perhaps painting a room a new color, I’m beginning to suspect that this may not be true.

“Your lives are going to change so much” is the most common piece of advice. The weirdest piece of advice I got was from a patient of mine. When told that I was naming my son Isaac, a patient responded, “Well that’s a real Jew name”. I didn’t realize that the Jewish ness of something could me measured quantitatively. I suppose you measure it in miliCohens.

My favorite piece of advice was from our friend Paula Burch who told us to enjoy every stage because it all goes by so quickly. I can truly say that we have. This whole experience has been mostly smooth sailing, and I’m proud of Nancy for doing so well.

Well hopefully you’ll hear from me again in a few days. Again, if you aren’t interested in the updates, just let me know, and I’ll take you off the list.

Big Matt