On Call (CTL 11)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 11

At my old job, I used to be on call every few weekends and I hated it. I had to carry a beeper and be ready to go to the hospital at a moment’s notice. Usually the message I got from the doctor was, “Well I don’t really think it’s anything, but come on in and check it out.” I was always cranky on those weekends.

I’m on call again, only this time it’s for Nancy. I’ve gotten so that anytime my cell phone rings, or Nancy yells for me from the other side of the house, I do a quick mental checklist of what I need to do to get out of where I am, who I need to call, and what the quickest route to the hospital is. I’m assuming that we will get an eight hour heads-up (I don’t know why I assume this) from Isaac to let us know he’s moving out.

Last night, I just watched Nancy’s belly move and squirm. Isaac is already very smart. He has figured out a series of kicks and punches to communicate with us, we just haven’t learned to interpret them yet. The obvious visual comparison is the parasite in the movie Alien, but I also thought of old Bugs Bunny cartoon when someone ate dynamite and would quiver, ready to blow at the slightest jostle.

While I was enjoying the “Wavy Belly” Show, Nancy told me she felt a contraction. My first instinct was to raise the Delivery Awareness Level from “Orange” or “Guarded” to “Red” or “Active Delivery Phase”. My mind quieted down when I looked at Nancy. She’ll know when it’s time.

Here comes the science…..For those of you haven’t been exposed to making babies (except for rolling over and going to sleep afterwards)*, the cervix is a thick muscular ring at the base of the uterus. The baby’s head is slightly pointed to push though. “Contractions” are actually the muscles in the walls of the uterus practicing for the big day. Normally the cervix looks like the neck of a turtle neck sweater, but when it effaces, it stretches and thins out. It also dilates from 0 cm (completely closed), to 5 cm (ouch this isn’t fun), 8 cm (you son of a bitch I never wanted kids), 10 cm (baby time).

I’m sure you’ve seen skeletons before. Next time you look at one, look at the bones in the pelvis. A baby has to get through that hole. Oh yeah, bone doesn’t strech by the way. When the baby’s head is level with the bottom of the hip joints, they are at “Zero station” Any higher, and the are rated at Zero -1-5 (-5 being the highest). Any lower and the are rated Zero +1-5 (anything higher than three, and the baby is crowning).

Two weeks ago, Nancy was 50% effaced, and 1 cm dilated.

Tonight, hopefully we will have a house full of babies, as some of our friends from the childbirth class will join us for dinner so we should have some good stories tomorrow.

Big Matt.

* Thanks for the joke Alex