Life is Beautiful (CTL 7)

Countdown to Laughter

Issue 7

My mindset has been rocking back and forth between wanting things to get rolling right now, and trying to savor my last few weeks of being childfree. These “feelings” that women are always talking about, they are frightening and strange. How can I possibly want two diametrically opposed things at the same time? Weird.

I had a rough day yesterday, a patient at the lab reminded me of my grandfather who died suddenly last year. (This happens often, as most of our patients are old.) As I was reflecting on my grandfather, it occurred to me for the first time, that I won’t get to introduce my son to him (not in this life anyway). I could picture the meeting perfectly in my head, but it hit me like a truck that it would never happen.

Over the last year, my grief has healed to a dull ache, but yesterday it opened up again, and I spent most of last night grieving for the loss of a holy moment.

Today on the way into work, I was listening to “Rhapsody in Blue”, and near the end of the song, there is a huge swelling fanfare with pianos and horns. My heart soared. The music filled me with joy, and I realized that I would get to share this joy with Isaac. I did a mental tally of things that I’m looking forward to seeing and hearing with new eyes and ears.

• Feeding animals. I remember the joy and overwhelming terror of feeding ducks and geese as a child.
• Taking him to the “Lawndale Science Center”. Hopefully he will connect to it the same way I connected with the “Florida State Museum”
• His dedication service at church.
• Halloween
• The “Pull my finger” trick. Oddly enough, Nancy does not find this one funny anymore
• His first real smile
• His first airplane ride when he realizes what is going on
• Teaching him a goofy song my dad used to always sing, “My Gal’s a Corker”
• His first trip to “Rocky Horror Picture Show” (We’ll dress him up as Riff Raff)
• His first camping trip (So he can sample new and exciting flavors of dirt.)
• Selling overpriced popcorn and wrapping paper at work for his school
• His first time driving a bumper car. (Finally I will be able to ride the kiddie rides at Carowinds without looking creepy.)

So I’m as filled with hope today as I was filled with grief yesterday.

Tomorrow morning we go to the pediatrician!!!! Stay tuned.

Big Matt.