A Letter to the Boy About Amendment 1

Nancy wrote the following letter and asked me if there was anything I wanted to add.  I've read it twice and can't think of a word I would change.

Dear Isaac,

As we write this, you are 6 and one half years old (we know that that half is very important to you).  You have been asking some questions recently that we have tried to answer in such a way that your 6 ½ year old brain will understand.  But your questions have brought up issues that you will have to wrestle with long past your next birthday, so we are writing this letter to help you find the answers you will need later.

When you asked us what “marriage” is your father told you what we believe.  It is a partnership; a commitment that two people make to each other; an invitation for another person to permanently become part of your family.  When you asked us who can get married we told you that legally a man and woman can be married, but there were other couples that wanted to be able to marry each other.  And we told you that we believe they should be able to be married because we believe that any two people who want to be in a marriage partnership and make a commitment to each and create a family should have the right to do so.

Marriage for any couple is not easy.  It requires work and communication.  We work very hard at our marriage, as do many other people.  We each bring strengths to our partnership and we try to balance out each other’s weaknesses.  You do not realize it now, but you recognize our strengths and weaknesses, even though you are still only 6 ½ years old.  When you ask tough questions, like the one that this letter is trying to answer, you usually ask your father first, while you go to your mother for more practical needs.  Your dad is the thinker, you mom is the doer.  But never think that your father speaks only for himself when he answers your questions.  If we do not have time to talk about how to respond before he gives an explanation, then we talk about what he told you afterwards.  Because parenting you is an important aspect of our relationship and before you were born we agreed that we would be partners in raising you just as we are partners in our marriage.

Marriages are not static, Isaac.  They change and evolve, just as people change and evolve.  We are not the same people who married each other almost 15 years ago, and our relationship has gone through many phases.  We would probably have answered this question differently when we were first married because we had not taken the the time to think and question and debate then as we have since.  And that is one important lesson that we hope you take away from this letter.  We want you to be able to find your own answers.  We are giving you our thoughts and explaining our beliefs, but you need to decide for yourself as you grow what you will believe and what you will tell your own children when they ask what marriage means.

You asked about marriage because you have observed and overheard us talking about an issue that upsets us.  It has been proposed that an Amendment be added to our state constitution which would state that some of the people that we believe should be able to be married would never have the right to.  Isaac, what you cannot fully understand right now is how important it is to comprehend what this Amendment will do and how it is different from simply passing a law.  A law can be changed by the people whom we elect to represent us.  An Amendment has to be approved by the people of the state and cannot be changed again unless the people want it to be.  A law can be temporary; an amendment is all but permanent or, at the very least, hard to change.  Throughout history there have been laws that have taken away rights from groups of people and there have been other laws that have given back those rights.  Historically, amendments are used most of the time to protect rights or give people more rights.  Rarely are amendments used to take away rights.  But that is what Amendment One does and that is why we and so many other people that you know are upset about it.

We told you that a legal marriage is between a man and a woman and there is a law in our state that says that only men and women can be married.  So, passing an amendment to the constitution is not necessary and will not change anything that couples can do in our state.  But it could take away rights and protections from a lot of people that would be almost impossible to give back.  This is called discrimination.  It is a word that you will hear again and again because, unfortunately, there will always be people who want to take away rights or privileges from another group.  What you will need to do, Isaac, is learn to recognize discrimination and decide how you will respond to it.  

We are not political people.  We vote because we believe it is our responsibility as citizens, but we don’t put candidates’ yard signs in front of our house, we don’t put stickers for political issues on our cars, we don’t wear buttons or t-shirts supporting political parties.  We typically just don’t get involved because our everyday lives are very often not much affected by the outcome of the contest.  But for this vote, this question, we feel differently.  On this issue we have decided that we will post the sign and wear the buttons and speak out because this time the issue is personal and, while it does not affect our marriage, it hurts people that we care about.  And we believe it is wrong.

Many times when issues like this marriage amendment are being debated, people on both sides will try to use God and religion to support their arguments.  It will be up to you, Isaac, to listen and discern where the truth lies.  And ultimately, to come to your own decision about what is right.  Don’t be manipulated by emotional ploys or messages meant to make you fearful.  As your parents, we will guide you for as long as we can, but we will try not to tell what you have to believe.  We hope that you will follow our example, which is one of the reasons why we are being more vocal about the marriage amendment than we have been on issues in the past.  But there will be times when your beliefs clash with ours or you disagree with positions we take.  You may ultimately disagree with us about this very issue.  But one thing we want you to always remember is that even if we disagree, you are our son and we love you.

We will be honest, Isaac, and tell you that we are worried that this Amendment will pass.  If it does, then there is more work to do to try to repeal it.  But, there is work to do even if it does not pass, because, though the Amendment may not be added to the state constitution, there will still be people who believe it should be and there will still be laws that discriminate. One day, many years from now, we hope to see you in a partnership with a person whom you choose to make a commitment and invite into our family.  You may decide to make the relationship a legal marriage, or you may not.  What we want for you is to have that choice without the fear of losing the rights that choosing marriage would give you.  

So, son, we hope this helps you understand what we believe about marriage.  We are glad you asked the question because formulating our response helps us think through the issue and refine our beliefs.  It also shows us that you possess enough confidence in us as parents to ask tough questions and that you trust us to tell you the truth.  Thank you for that and for challenging us to be better parents and better people.

With Love and Laughter,

Your Parents 04-30-2012

Learning to Fly (HOL 112)

House of Laughter 112 There are only a few things I remember about learning to ride a bike when I was a kid. I remember being almost the last kid in my class to learn how to ride a proper bike. I remember the second hand dirt bike that my parents bought for me, spray painted black and bought new, bright yellow bike frame pads to accent it. I remember a hill two houses north of us that gently sloped to our driveway. I remember two particularly bad scraped knees from trying to turn my bike around at 5th avenue. I remember screaming at my father, “I don’t care if you beat me! I’m not riding that bike!” in the middle of the street. I remember a well intentioned but ill informed college student running out of his house threatening to call the police on my father, and my dad telling him to go back inside and mind his own damn business. Ahh the memories. In the karmic sense, I knew that I had it coming when the time came to teach my son how to ride a bike. Experienced parents will give you advice on how to teach a kid to ride a bike and most (excluding my father) have happy memories of watching their children master the seemingly impossible and take their first real steps of freedom and independence. Like anything else with parenting, I listened to many successful methods, and tried to piece together a working plan that fit my own child’s personality. At first I thought it would be easy. A year ago, one of Isaac’s best friends from school lived two doors down. Christopher and Isaac would race their bikes on the sidewalk in front of the house for hours. Then Christopher moved away. I tried removing the pedals and training wheels at the same time (a method which not only works for other children, but is a great way to tear up a bike.) Isaac had lost all interest in learning to ride, and there wasn’t much rush for us to teach him. A few weeks ago, his grandmother threw down the gauntlet. She and her husband were taking Isaac to the beach to camp this summer, but bikes were the only means of transportation at the campground. She would buy Isaac a bike, but he would have to learn how to ride by the summer. Isaac’s friend Claire came over and brought her bike. Isaac tested it out and seemed to really enjoy it (except for its pinkness). We picked out a sporty 20 inch bike at Target and I bought a set of Scwhin Universal training wheels. The parts that came with the Universal training wheel set only marginally fit his bike and only after considerable jerry rigging. I felt hopelessly incompetent as a guy since I was incapable of even installing a set of training wheels on a child’s bike correctly. I vowed to take Isaac out and get as much ride time as possible. I would walk and Isaac would unsteadily ride as far as he could until the ill fitting training wheel caught on something or bent into a position that offered him no support and his balance would slowly tilt to the point where the bike would fall over. Isaac would drift to the right, and I would tell him to turn left. He would lean his body weight the wrong direction while insisting that he WAS turning, and slowly roll towards a row of parked cars. He would get frustrated, I would get frustrated. The training wheels were worthless. It was hopeless. Then Nancy suggested buying a different brand of training wheels that she had seen at Wal-mart. I bought them and after much struggling got them in place, and they actually seemed to fit the bike. I took the boy out and he rode about 10 times better than he had the preceding week. We rode down to the movie theater and made multiple trips to a nearby office park after everyone has gone home. He may have gotten frustrated but he has NEVER given up. I will confess I lost my temper numerous times (Try leaning way over, pushing something heavy uphill while running, and as you finally pick up speed, it slams on it’s brakes.) I ended every riding session by apologizing for yelling and telling him how proud I was of him. We were on a routine walk/ride tonight, and I noticed how hard he was pushing to get up hill. I told him to get off. I raised the seat about two inches. I told him that he would be a little higher, so it might be a little scarier, but it should be much easier. He jumped on….and it was like a switch had flipped. Before I knew it, the kid who that I was pushing for most of the way was now halfway across the office park and picking up speed. I also realized once again that being a parent is a trial and error process. Just because something doesn’t work out the first time does not mean you are a failure. The poetry of the moment was that Isaac and I had struggled and fought and worked and in one magic instant, it all clicked. I watched the boy speed around the corner and I got a lump in my throat when I realized all that it meant when he left me behind. Strength and Honor, Big Matt