Where does Sausage Come From? (HOL 94)

House of Laughter 94

My office is closed for Good Friday tomorrow, as is Isaac’s daycare. Guilford County Schools are still open. This means Isaac and I have to go do something awesome since all of the big kids are still in school.

If it doesn’t rain, I’m planning on taking him out to the Homeland Creamery. We can tour the dairy farm on a hay wagon, watch how ice cream is made, and then sample the different flavors.

I think this will be a much more positive agricultural experience than my own childhood tour of the slaughterhouse in Quincy, Florida. There are three distinct images I remember: whole, gutted, headless pigs hanging from hooks from the ceiling, a 55 gallon garbage can filled with the skin of a cow, and the slippery, moist, slanted floor leading to a drain. Mentally conjuring those images also brings up the memory of the smell. I remember cutting the tour short on the way to the killing room because I just knew I was going to slip, slide down the floor and end up underneath one of those pigs. (By the way, I am not making this up…..Ask my family.)

Later on Friday we will probably watch Star Wars and Mystery Science Theater 3000: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

A couple of nights ago, I was up late playing Mario Kart and I heard a clatter outside on the porch. I looked outside and saw two raccoons involved in a heated turf war over the remaining cat food. I tried to scare them off, but they were too concerned with each other to pay me any attention.

The next morning I told Isaac about the epic raccoon battle. He told me, “You should have woke me up Dad.” I assured him it was too late to wake him up, but I promised I would take pictures next time I saw them.

It turns out he had a practical reason for wanting me to wake him up.

“Next time, wake me up. We will chase em, catch em, and make raccoon pie!”.

His daycare teacher pulled me aside Wednesday morning to show me something Isaac drew. (After watching lots of TV and movies, I knew that this is always a reason to be concerned. TV children always draw pictures of ghosts at their schools which concern the teacher, and leads to a concerned conference with the TV parent.) Isaac’s class had drawn Easter baskets, and the teacher asked them what they wanted in their baskets. Isaac wanted a chocolate bunny, a lightsaber, and a new umbrella. The teacher was just telling me in case I talked to the Easter bunny. Isaac had created a pretty good lightsaber as far as I was concerned by connecting two plastic drill bits from a toy drill set.

Isaac and I went to our church’s Maundy Thursday service tonight (Don’t feel bad if you grew up in church and had never heard of Maundy Thursday. It’s the evening of the Last Supper.) Typically we have a small intimate service and take Communion. This year we also followed the biblical example and washed each other’s feet as part of the service.

Yes it sounds weird, and yes it was slightly odd and uncomfortable. Who says church is always supposed to be safe and comfortable? Isaac and I washed each other’s feet, and immediately afterwards, we went and had Communion. Isaac had never taken Communion before, and I was planning to have him stand and watch, but he was offered bread and he took it. As I watched him eat the bread, I thought about how different denominations and churches celebrate this moment. I know that most are very formal and only happen after a child is at an age where they understand more about what is going on symbolically.

Isaac saw that people he loved and trusted were eating at a table, and he wanted to have a part. Some day he will understand the bread and wine better, but tonight he learned that he is welcome at the table.

Happy Easter. He is Risen
Strength and Honor
Big Matt

Egg Hunt Madness (HOL 93)

House of Laughter 93

Last year we went to an Easter egg hunt at the North Carolina Transportation museum. There was a good size crowd, but there were plenty of eggs, and even the smallest children had plenty of time to get a basket full of goodies.

There were three separate Easter egg hunts going on today. The coolest sounding one by far was the one at the local minor league ball field where 2000 eggs were going to be dropped from a helicopter (I am curious how that was done without creating 200,000 pieces of plastic shrapnel raining down on children.) The earliest hunt was out at the Farmer’s Market just west of town.

We arrived 20 minutes before the 2 and 3 year old egg hunt began. Cars were parked everywhere. The ring around the egg hunt area was about six people deep all around. They announced that there was one “Golden Egg” that contained the grand prize….tickets to Sesame Street Live. I jokingly told Isaac if he found a gold egg to drop it and let another child have it.

We counted down to complete loss of civilization (In honor of the resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ no less.) One parent in particular just raised my hackles. She was on her knees, using both arms to “bulldoze” eggs toward her child who was barely paying attention. My initial plan was to let Isaac go it alone, but when I saw how fast the eggs were disappearing off the field, I gently suggested to him to start picking them up before crazy bulldozer lady sacrificed her last shred of dignity to make sure her kid got a few extra tootsie rolls.

When the dust settled, Isaac had three plastic Easter eggs in his basket. I was miffed that people would be so greedy, and that my child received less because I wouldn’t be an asshole. I told Isaac that I would get something for him at the store. Nancy corrected me, “It’s not about getting the most, it’s about having a good time, and he is.” She was right.

A tow trunk company that sponsored the event had a setup where children could operate the wench on a real tow truck to flip a car up on it’s side and back down with a satisfying crunch. (In honor of the resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.) Isaac and I watched it several times, and the world was good.

We decided to drive back to Greensboro to watch the helicopter drop eggs. The people running the event gave a free ticket to every single child in Guilford County Schools, and when we arrived, the pandemonium made the Farmer’s Market look like afternoon tea at the O Henry. The line to get into the already packed stadium extended for several blocks.

While we were driving and pondering what to do, Isaac was in the back of the truck enjoying the morning hunt’s bounty: four tootsie rolls and a yellow piece of paper.

“Mommy, what is this paper?” He handed the slip up to Nancy.

He had a golden ticket, and we were 30 minutes away from the egg hunt.

We thought about just foregoing the prize, because if you’ve seen one group of costumed young people lip synching and dancing, you’ve seen them all. I tried to call the sponsoring radio station, but just got a voice mailbox where I left a message which will surely be played for every employee at 107.5’s amusement Monday morning. “Hi this is Matt, I won tickets, well Isaac won tickets to Sesame street, Sonofabitch watch what you are doing!, but we aren’t there, and we want, you can send us the tickets or whatever, he is three, and we opened it after we, Oh hell no we aren’t stopping at the ball park, just look at the line, (Nancy “Matt you are still leaving a message”), Okay then call me goodbye.”

We decided that my voicemail could have probably been clearer.

We made our way back to the Farmer’s market where we found out that we won four tickets to Sesame Street Live, and a $50 gift card to Once Upon a Child consignment store, where we bought Isaac his Easter outfit, and a Cranium game, and Cars racetrack. It’s easily over a hundred dollars worth of loot. And I’m sure Isaac and Nancy will have a great time each taking a friend to see Elmo sing about his feelings.

Strength and Honor

Big Matt