What Does a Guy Gotta do to Get Some Similac Around Here? (HOL 25)

House of Laughter 25

When Isaac is old enough to drive, I’m going to take him to the Wal-Mart on Wendover Avenue, give him a shopping cart and tell him to pick up five items located through the store. If he can make the entire shopping trip without getting hit by another cart, I’ll let him drive.

That particular Wal-Mart is my own personal version of hell. Shopping there is like being accidentally sent to an insane asylum. I keep wandering around thinking, “I don’t belong with these people. There must be some mistake.” There are morbidly obese people in electric scooters buying five gallon jars of mayonnaise, young men yelling into cellular phones a language similar to English only completely unintelligible, gangs of small children running through the aisles, and worst of all, a woman buying a copy of “Catwoman” on DVD.

Nancy thought it would be a quick stop in to by powdered formula. However, no powdered formula was to be found in the baby section of the store. I looked through the grocery section, and although they had canned, evaporated goat’s milk, there was no powdered formula. Isaac and I pulled into a side aisle and just looked at each other, and made guttural sounds, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of blue. It was one of those mythical “Wal-Mart” employees, that you hear about, but never actually see. I cornered the fellow in the shoe department and asked where I could find powdered formula, and a small miracle happened. This young man, who wasn’t talking on his cell phone or chatting with other employees did the unthinkable….He gave me an informed, concise answer.

Evidently they have a problem with people shoplifting powdered formula, so they keep it at the very front of the store between Customer service, and the information desk with a security camera trained on it at all times.

We bought formula and came home. It’s been a lazy Saturday afternoon. Nancy and Isaac read some of his new books that Nancy bought at her book fair this week. She missed one day after catching the same mess that Isaac and I had.

Speaking of illness, we had to take the label off Isaac’s helmet after washing vomit off of it, so we asked for new slogans. We got quite a few. Coincidentally, the most offensive, and my favorite were the same, but were vetoed by Nancy. Some of the others include:

“You should see the other baby”

“Wasted away again in Formulaville”

“Bad to the Bone”

“Kid Vicious”

“I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die”

“Its only for now”

“I ate my twin”

“Time I need a Changin”

“Mutha Sucka”

“Don’t Panic”

and “Scotland Forever”

We chose the quote from Napoleon Dynamite that you see above.

Finally, I found several cool web sites: “Daddy Types”, “Parent Hacks”, and “Nippaz with Attitude” that I really like.

P.S. Hello to my niece Lily who thinks that all babies on the internet are “Baby Ice”.

Strength and Honor

Big Matt

Runaway Ralph (HOL 24)

House of Laughter 24

This weekend started off pleasantly. We had dinner at my favorite restaurant, Natty Greene’s, on Friday. I worked for Habitat Saturday morning. Saturday afternoon, I made a pillow for Isaac. When I was a child, my favorite toy was a small pillow my mother had made for me out of a Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck hand towel. My friend Little Matt mailed me two “Star Wars” washcloths from 1977 that he found while cleaning his mother’s house a few weeks ago. As best as he recalls, they had never actually been used, but had sat in the same spot under the sink since the day they were put there almost thirty years ago.

It was a lovely Saturday afternoon….until the vomiting began. It’s like any bad thing. The first time you panic, and try to clean everything up as carefully as possible. By the fifth time….eh whatever….the dog got most of it up. We called our friends the Sawalskis to get their opinion on whether or not to panic, and their baby had been sick for three days.

I stayed home with Isaac Sunday morning and afternoon since Nancy had nursery duty at church and tickets to see “Tap Dogs” with her friends.

Monday was normal until about 4:30. I started to feel sick. I left work and spent the next 12 hours evacuating the digestive tract by any available opening. I even threw up food that I hadn’t eaten yet. I called in sick to work that night.

Do you know how sometimes if you call in sick to work, you try to make yourself sound sicker than you are? Sure you feel bad, but you want to make sure that whoever gets that message knows you are sick. There was no such chicanery with my late night call to the boss’s voice mail. I sounded like Diane Rehm.

I was sicker than I had been in years. I couldn’t pick up Isaac. I couldn’t even watch T.V. As soon as I sat down, the first commercial I saw was for the Fillet o’ Fish sandwich at McDonalds. Shortly after that, Nancy started cooking chili.

I spent most of the night on the bathroom floor. Nancy brought Isaac in to the room about 7:30 in the morning to tell me that he was still sick as well, and couldn’t go to daycare.

Isaac and I spent pretty much all day in bed. We napped for most of the time. I read him ghost stories, and we played with his stuffed octopus. I still felt pretty crummy, but he was in a laid back mood, so we got along until about 2:45, when I got brave and decided to try and feed him. How did that go you may ask? Not so good.

I gave him a tiny sliver of bread, and I was greeted with a fountain of partially digested formula. I still felt nauseous, and he started crying, and there was a mess everywhere. I called Nancy and told her to get home. 3:00 was her normal time to leave, but she is doing a “Book Fair”, and could always find something to do after work. As I sat there holding my crying, hungry child, and feeling nauseous myself, I understood why some people just lose it. I was so grateful to see Nancy. She took the boy and I slept for a few more hours.

Unfortunately, with Isaac and I being sick, we aren’t going to get to see Isaac’s new friend, Alex, who was born today to Javier and Celena Velez. Happy Birthday.

Strength and Honor

Big Matt

High Weirdness by Mail (HOL 23)

House of Laughter 23

I try to keep my writing on this page focused solely on what is going on with Isaac, and my thoughts on fatherhood, but something happened today that was a strange surprise that I’d like to share. It was brush against the surreal that gently shook me out of my day to day routine. I’m grateful, and a little curious as to how it happened, and if anyone has any information, please let me know. Although part of me wants to believe it was pure chance.

I came home from work today and checked my mail. There was one envelope in the mailbox. It was hand addressed to me in a dramatic, intricate lettering with red marker. I assumed it was a thank you note or invitation to a wedding. I checked the post mark. It was from Austin Texas. I don’t know anyone from Austin. I assumed it was one of Nancy’s friends, but it was clearly addressed to Matthew Cravey. I turned the envelope over to open it, and there is an official looking label on the back.

The label was the size of a three by five card, and had a barcode, and red stamp marked “Ministry of Culture Approved”. The top of the label read “This document is known to be”, and there were three choices: 1) Gravitationally Secure 2) Gravitationally Corrupt and 3) Currently Untested. My letter was checked “Gravitationally Secure”, and signed by an inspecting officer. The fine print of the label said “Verified in strict accordance with the Revised Manual of Gravitational Assurance Chapter 6, Paragraph 11, Second Edition of June 2001.”

At this point, I thought that this was a marketing gimmick for a science fiction book club, new movie, television show, or X-Box game. The weirdness was only beginning.

Inside the envelope was a small pamphlet resembling a “Jack Chick” gospel comic book. It was labeled “Five Simple Steps to Greater Joy in this World of Sorrow”. At this point, I thought that all the talk about gravity was going to relate to “The Rapture” and that the pamphlet would be like any of hundreds of other gospel presentations I’ve seen. Wrong again.

The track outlined five steps for how to be happy. They are 1) Check the gravity in your area by dropping the booklet. 2) Empty your mind of unkind thoughts 3) Call your Best friend 4) Drink a glass of water and 5) Pass this document to the next person you see. There were long descriptions at each step. For example “Those who would provide an illusion of gravity to further their unspeakable means, those who so wantonly play fiddlesticks with the laws of our well reasoned physics…..have bodies composed of a certain lesser percentage of water and are often operationally thwarted by the enforced knowledge of their aqueous inferiority.”

The only clue to the sender was a website listed in the back. So the big questions that remain are “What does it mean?” and “How did they get my name and address?” I have a few theories, but I’m still savoring the bizarre mystery, and gentle surrealism.

Last weekend was busy. Nancy, Isaac and I went to a couple of consignment sales, and like garage sales, they vary wildly in quality and there are some people who still think they can sell something used for full price. I picked out a shirt for Isaac that says “Are you going to eat that?” across the chest. He will wear it every time I dress him from now on. Probably with gray camouflage pants.

After the consignment sales, I recruited Daniel to help me break down, move, and rebuild a large wooden fort/swing set donated by the Flemming family. The Flemmings also donated a box of old toys, which Isaac and I have been playing with. He’s taken a shine to a hideous, purple, veiny alien monster. That’s my boy. Big thanks to Daniel and the Flemmings. If you see Mark, ask him how his book is coming along.

Sunday was our church’s hundredth anniversary. We took a picture on the front steps. I made sure Isaac could be seen in the crowd. Can you find him?

Isaac has three new tricks. First he likes to give facial massages. His hands wander over and into eyes, noses, ears, and mouths all the while kneading your facial skin like pizza dough. I always enjoy this interaction even though it can lead to temporary blindness and pulled chin whiskers.

Nancy showed me Isaac’s second trick last night. She will stand him up next to the coffee table, and he can hold himself standing upright for a few seconds at a time. This trick is pretty cool, but Nancy hasn’t seen the coolest one yet.

Nancy and I have both been coaching Isaac to say “Mama” and “Daddy”. Each of us hoping that our son’s first word will be the appropriate parental name so we can brag about it to the other one for the next 50 years. Saturday night during his bath, Isaac really obsessed over a little yellow duck. I let him take it out of the bath into the bedroom, and we played with it for a while. I’d hide the duck behind my back, say “Duck” loudly, and than bring it into his view. He seemed to approve of this game. I finally gave him his toy and asked “What do you have there Isaac?”, and he looked at me and said “Duck Duck”.

I knew that this was probably just random luck.. I repeated the same set of motions, and got no response. I figured it was just a fluke, but kept playing “Hide the Duck”. After a few minutes, I gave him his toy back and he said “Duck” clear as a bell.

I felt like the Carolina Panthers had blocked an extra point, ran it in for a touch down to win the Superbowl, and then Eva Mendes ran across the field topless. I shouted, “Woo hoo! Nancy get in here!” I told Nancy what happened, and to her credit, she sat for several minutes watching me try to re-create my experiment. By this time Isaac was tired and cranky. Nancy patted me gently on the back, and in a gentle and slightly patronizing tone I’m all too familiar with, she said “I believe you” and went to bed.

He said “Duck” again tonight several times, but only for me.

Finally, I have to ask some advice. His room has a bit of a “Diaper funk” whenever you go in. We have a diaper genie, but even after we empty it, the funk lingers. Any advice?

Strength and Honor

Big Matt

There is No Real Way of Knowing Which Direction We are Going (HoL 22)

House of Laughter 22

Well, Nancy is taking her turn with the cold that Isaac and I had last week. She has almost completely lost her voice, has a sore throat and is exhausted. Isaac got his flu shot today, but you’d never know it from his attitude.

We had a good baby wrestling session tonight and I got four or five really loud belly laughs out of him.

We also read a new book. This book is second only to “The Fierce Bad Rabbit” in the list of “Children’s books with really great names”. It’s called “Hippos Go Berserk.” What more could you want from a story? It pretty much lays it all out there in the title, just like the upcoming Samuel L. Jackson film “Snakes on a Plane.” You know there are going to be hippos, and they are going to go berserk.

We try to be health conscious parents and make our own baby food. This really isn’t as difficult as people make it out to be. The only real drawback I see is that our refrigerator looks like the test lab for Willy Wonka. We have 60 small cups of brightly colored pureed fruits, veggies and meat. God forbid, I go to get a beer. When I open the door, at least two of these cups fling themselves at me in an effort to gain enough velocity to smash open on the floor. This is where the dog comes in. His new favorite food is finely pureed tuna, chicken, and (new this weekend) ground beef. I’m lobbying hard for Isaac’s next food to be Stamey’s barbecue. It’s not like we’d have to grind it up much more.

Isaac has started dancing some. Unfortunately, he dances like I do: i.e. shakes his head erratically to no particular beat whatsoever. It’s still funny when he really gets moving.

As far as his head goes, I guess he’s doing okay. The helmet doesn’t seem to bother him, and we’ve stripped it down to it’s basic piece, since the chin strap just seemed superfluous. The only problem is, it is starting to develop a serious funk, and no amount of Febreeze cuts into it.

This weekend is our church’s 100^th anniversary. After church on Sunday, we are all going to stand on the steps in front of the sanctuary, and have our picture made. Tonight, I looked at similar pictures that were taken 13 years ago, and over 30 years ago. I like it that Isaac will be part of the history of our church. It was fun looking at the old pictures, and trying to figure out who was in those pictures, and remembering names of people who had left or died. It was also great to see our youth, who were just little kids at the time. On the day those pictures were taken, it probably didn’t seem like a big event, but today they are being carefully scrutinized, and those pictures are a piece of our history. Twenty years from now, they will look at the picture we take Sunday, and ask, “Who’s the kid with the helmet?” and will be surprised to realize that it is Isaac, who has since grown up to do amazing things.

Strength and Honor

Big Matt

Remember Those Giant Worms in King Kong? (HoL 21)

House of Laughter 21

I stayed home sick today. I’d felt crummy the last two days, but last night I ended up feeling really awful. I had to deal with a small amount of guilt about taking the boy to daycare, but he’d probably be happier there, and I can get some rest.

Wednesday and Thursday after work, I came home and napped with the boy. I collapsed on the bed, and Isaac put his hand on my head and played with my hair. It felt like he was trying to comfort me. We napped for a couple of hours like that.

I sent a letter to Gary Trudeau about the coincidence of the helmet comic strip coming out the day after Isaac got his helmet. They posted the letter on the “Blowback” section of the Doonesbury website. (It won’t last long, as they post new letters every day.)

I did have a great milestone this week. I was playing with Isaac on the floor, and I balanced a book on his head (this is actually pretty easy due to the flat spot.) When he realized something was up, he shook his head vigorously and the book fell off. This made me laugh. I balanced the book on his noggin again, and again he vigorously shook it off. We repeated this several times. Each time I would laugh. Eventually, he would shake it off and then look to see if I would laugh.

It was a neat moment. Here was an interaction that wasn’t about food or changing a diaper or getting a bottle or being rocked to sleep. This seemed to be a real “play” interaction. I make him laugh all the time. The twist was, this time, he made me laugh, and knew it. It was very cool.

This morning, in my sickness and Nyquil induced haze, I recall Nancy saying something about “Isaac threw up.” When I finally roused from bed, all of the sheets on his bed were in the laundry so I’m guessing there were some good times this morning.

When I dropped the boy off at Little Mouse Playhouse this morning, I overheard a woman talking loudly about how her whole family had pinworms last weekend. The second woman asked if she used a flashlight to draw them out of the child’s anus. The other mom said, she knew that there were over the counter medications, but she needed something that night. The first one asked if she knew the best home remedy for pinworms, and the second mom said she did.

I’m glad they finally said it out loud, because at this point I was dying to know, but dare not ask out loud. I was both fascinated and mortified at my own fascination at my discovery of these William S. Burroughsesque assworms.

For those who want to know, cover the “Exit Port” with Vaseline.

They don’t cover assworms in the preparing for childbirth classes. I itch just thinking about it. (Admit it. You do too.)

I have to spend tomorrow and most of Sunday at a vascular conference in Chapel Hill. They are usually pretty boring to begin with, but couple it with post sickness sleepy, and it seems like a deadly combination. Maybe I’ll luck up and they will have a slide presentation on assworms.

Strength and Honor

Big Matt

P.S. It turns out that sometime between 4:30 a.m. when I calmed him down and 5:45 a.m., the little prince ralphed about seven ounces of formula all over his crib. Nancy came into his room this morning, and he was sleeping peacefully covered in used formula. Time to wash the helmet.