What Does a Guy Gotta do to Get Some Similac Around Here? (HOL 25)

House of Laughter 25

When Isaac is old enough to drive, I’m going to take him to the Wal-Mart on Wendover Avenue, give him a shopping cart and tell him to pick up five items located through the store. If he can make the entire shopping trip without getting hit by another cart, I’ll let him drive.

That particular Wal-Mart is my own personal version of hell. Shopping there is like being accidentally sent to an insane asylum. I keep wandering around thinking, “I don’t belong with these people. There must be some mistake.” There are morbidly obese people in electric scooters buying five gallon jars of mayonnaise, young men yelling into cellular phones a language similar to English only completely unintelligible, gangs of small children running through the aisles, and worst of all, a woman buying a copy of “Catwoman” on DVD.

Nancy thought it would be a quick stop in to by powdered formula. However, no powdered formula was to be found in the baby section of the store. I looked through the grocery section, and although they had canned, evaporated goat’s milk, there was no powdered formula. Isaac and I pulled into a side aisle and just looked at each other, and made guttural sounds, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of blue. It was one of those mythical “Wal-Mart” employees, that you hear about, but never actually see. I cornered the fellow in the shoe department and asked where I could find powdered formula, and a small miracle happened. This young man, who wasn’t talking on his cell phone or chatting with other employees did the unthinkable….He gave me an informed, concise answer.

Evidently they have a problem with people shoplifting powdered formula, so they keep it at the very front of the store between Customer service, and the information desk with a security camera trained on it at all times.

We bought formula and came home. It’s been a lazy Saturday afternoon. Nancy and Isaac read some of his new books that Nancy bought at her book fair this week. She missed one day after catching the same mess that Isaac and I had.

Speaking of illness, we had to take the label off Isaac’s helmet after washing vomit off of it, so we asked for new slogans. We got quite a few. Coincidentally, the most offensive, and my favorite were the same, but were vetoed by Nancy. Some of the others include:

“You should see the other baby”

“Wasted away again in Formulaville”

“Bad to the Bone”

“Kid Vicious”

“I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die”

“Its only for now”

“I ate my twin”

“Time I need a Changin”

“Mutha Sucka”

“Don’t Panic”

and “Scotland Forever”

We chose the quote from Napoleon Dynamite that you see above.

Finally, I found several cool web sites: “Daddy Types”, “Parent Hacks”, and “Nippaz with Attitude” that I really like.

P.S. Hello to my niece Lily who thinks that all babies on the internet are “Baby Ice”.

Strength and Honor

Big Matt