High Weirdness by Mail (HOL 23)

House of Laughter 23

I try to keep my writing on this page focused solely on what is going on with Isaac, and my thoughts on fatherhood, but something happened today that was a strange surprise that I’d like to share. It was brush against the surreal that gently shook me out of my day to day routine. I’m grateful, and a little curious as to how it happened, and if anyone has any information, please let me know. Although part of me wants to believe it was pure chance.

I came home from work today and checked my mail. There was one envelope in the mailbox. It was hand addressed to me in a dramatic, intricate lettering with red marker. I assumed it was a thank you note or invitation to a wedding. I checked the post mark. It was from Austin Texas. I don’t know anyone from Austin. I assumed it was one of Nancy’s friends, but it was clearly addressed to Matthew Cravey. I turned the envelope over to open it, and there is an official looking label on the back.

The label was the size of a three by five card, and had a barcode, and red stamp marked “Ministry of Culture Approved”. The top of the label read “This document is known to be”, and there were three choices: 1) Gravitationally Secure 2) Gravitationally Corrupt and 3) Currently Untested. My letter was checked “Gravitationally Secure”, and signed by an inspecting officer. The fine print of the label said “Verified in strict accordance with the Revised Manual of Gravitational Assurance Chapter 6, Paragraph 11, Second Edition of June 2001.”

At this point, I thought that this was a marketing gimmick for a science fiction book club, new movie, television show, or X-Box game. The weirdness was only beginning.

Inside the envelope was a small pamphlet resembling a “Jack Chick” gospel comic book. It was labeled “Five Simple Steps to Greater Joy in this World of Sorrow”. At this point, I thought that all the talk about gravity was going to relate to “The Rapture” and that the pamphlet would be like any of hundreds of other gospel presentations I’ve seen. Wrong again.

The track outlined five steps for how to be happy. They are 1) Check the gravity in your area by dropping the booklet. 2) Empty your mind of unkind thoughts 3) Call your Best friend 4) Drink a glass of water and 5) Pass this document to the next person you see. There were long descriptions at each step. For example “Those who would provide an illusion of gravity to further their unspeakable means, those who so wantonly play fiddlesticks with the laws of our well reasoned physics…..have bodies composed of a certain lesser percentage of water and are often operationally thwarted by the enforced knowledge of their aqueous inferiority.”

The only clue to the sender was a website listed in the back. So the big questions that remain are “What does it mean?” and “How did they get my name and address?” I have a few theories, but I’m still savoring the bizarre mystery, and gentle surrealism.

Last weekend was busy. Nancy, Isaac and I went to a couple of consignment sales, and like garage sales, they vary wildly in quality and there are some people who still think they can sell something used for full price. I picked out a shirt for Isaac that says “Are you going to eat that?” across the chest. He will wear it every time I dress him from now on. Probably with gray camouflage pants.

After the consignment sales, I recruited Daniel to help me break down, move, and rebuild a large wooden fort/swing set donated by the Flemming family. The Flemmings also donated a box of old toys, which Isaac and I have been playing with. He’s taken a shine to a hideous, purple, veiny alien monster. That’s my boy. Big thanks to Daniel and the Flemmings. If you see Mark, ask him how his book is coming along.

Sunday was our church’s hundredth anniversary. We took a picture on the front steps. I made sure Isaac could be seen in the crowd. Can you find him?

Isaac has three new tricks. First he likes to give facial massages. His hands wander over and into eyes, noses, ears, and mouths all the while kneading your facial skin like pizza dough. I always enjoy this interaction even though it can lead to temporary blindness and pulled chin whiskers.

Nancy showed me Isaac’s second trick last night. She will stand him up next to the coffee table, and he can hold himself standing upright for a few seconds at a time. This trick is pretty cool, but Nancy hasn’t seen the coolest one yet.

Nancy and I have both been coaching Isaac to say “Mama” and “Daddy”. Each of us hoping that our son’s first word will be the appropriate parental name so we can brag about it to the other one for the next 50 years. Saturday night during his bath, Isaac really obsessed over a little yellow duck. I let him take it out of the bath into the bedroom, and we played with it for a while. I’d hide the duck behind my back, say “Duck” loudly, and than bring it into his view. He seemed to approve of this game. I finally gave him his toy and asked “What do you have there Isaac?”, and he looked at me and said “Duck Duck”.

I knew that this was probably just random luck.. I repeated the same set of motions, and got no response. I figured it was just a fluke, but kept playing “Hide the Duck”. After a few minutes, I gave him his toy back and he said “Duck” clear as a bell.

I felt like the Carolina Panthers had blocked an extra point, ran it in for a touch down to win the Superbowl, and then Eva Mendes ran across the field topless. I shouted, “Woo hoo! Nancy get in here!” I told Nancy what happened, and to her credit, she sat for several minutes watching me try to re-create my experiment. By this time Isaac was tired and cranky. Nancy patted me gently on the back, and in a gentle and slightly patronizing tone I’m all too familiar with, she said “I believe you” and went to bed.

He said “Duck” again tonight several times, but only for me.

Finally, I have to ask some advice. His room has a bit of a “Diaper funk” whenever you go in. We have a diaper genie, but even after we empty it, the funk lingers. Any advice?

Strength and Honor

Big Matt